The new all-embracing, all subsuming ABC paradigm – now taking the world of sindonology by (almost) perfect storm….

It’s been called a sea-change in iconological investigation. It’s been called the paradigm that has swept away decades of stale dead-end scholarship. The Vatican has described it as akin to the drawing aside of a heavy curtain in a previously dim room, illuminating it with dazzling white light. Others have compared it with a blinding flash of laser-generated uv light (from a pulsed excimer laser), the kind that leaves diminutive brown blotches on any nearby organic materials (linen especially). So what is this breakthrough  that has so mesmerised and excited the previously cloistered community of sindonological researchers, scarcely visible at their congresses?

It is the ABC doctrine as it has become known. That of course is just handy shorthand (see teccy details in box), an acronymic designation concealing a plethora of technicalities that are generally beyond the grasp of those not intimately acquainted with the controversies that have raged for decades.

Yup, anything but conduction, or ABC for short. That’s heat conduction, or a scorch in other words. The ABC paradigm is that anything could have produced the Shroud image, anything, that is, except scorching (which ticks far too many boxes and might conceivably, perish the thought, be TRUE).

But as Dr. Giovanni Cosifantutte of the University of St. J. Marino, Ohio has declared:  “We now have a clear line in the sand, a red line, or maybe a red line in the sand. Some have called it a marked trail, a route map, or maybe a marked trail on a route map with clearly designated red lines in the sand. Call it what you will, but one thing seems certain. While there are still undoubtedly many complexities to be resolved, and while it may take years, decades even to unravel them, with many more congresses to look forward to, poring over all the details, with this inspirational ABC theory, sindonology is liberated. It can at last break free from the chains of negative and unproductive lines of enquiry that have so bedevilled it up till now. With ABC we now have within our grasp an entirely new paradigm”.

Dr.Giovanni Cosifantutte, seen here looking thoughtful immediately prior to hospitalization.

(Ed. Sadly Dr. C needed to be hospitalized  shortly after those words were recorded. A preliminary diagnosis suggest signs of excessive exposure to the high energy radiation that has featured in his work, with his colleagues remarking on the numerous brown blotches that have recently been appearing on his hands and face, tentatively identified as semi-pyrolysed keratin).

Quote just in from Mr. Albert M. Sneeth (celebrated sindonologist and Official Documenter of Strange and Unresolved Paradoxes for the TRUMP team (Turin Relic Undergoing Multiple Prodding) and latterly founder and President of SLURP  (Shroud Licensing Under Research Pretext).  “Wow!  I am truly dumbfounded. What a breakthrough. This inspirational ABC paradime is arguably the breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for.  It offers seriously profound new opportunities for looking at the problem anew both in depth AND  from multiple viewpoints, all neatly circumcised within the ambit of ABC.  Rest assured that SLURP will continue to play its part by making available a full range of visual aids (price list on application).  In the right hands – and oh boy must we strive to ensure that the tender and fragile sindonology is well protected from the wrong hands – we can now look forward to a rich and textured new perspective on this ancient relic.  For far too long now, this iconic length of fabric has been the object of ill-intentioned scepticism based on false models of evidential proof. This new ABC paradime (or as I prefer to call it, paradollar)  represents a comprehensive, all-encompassing envelope within which future research can be nurtured and protected from outside interference.”

Mr.Sneeth asked me to remind my readers that all of this costs money, needless to say. Contributions invited: cheques should be made payable to Albert M Sneeth, Director of Shroud Marketing, ABC Education and Research Association Inc, a new fully-owned subsidiary of Las Vegas Promotions Inc, registered as a charity with the State of Nevada.

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About Colin Berry

Retired science bod, previous research interests: phototherapy of neonatal jaundice, membrane influences on microsomal UDP-glucuronyltransferase, defective bilirubin and xenobiotic conjugation and hepatic excretion, dietary fibre and resistant starch.
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